Splits & Flips

Recently my girlfriend and I were watching Splits & Flips on the television. It's a dance contest show on the FOX network. If you haven't seen it yet, here's the premise: dramatic people with a desperate need for attention and adoration audition for the title of World's Best American Dancer. To show how good they are at dancing they do aerial splits and tons of flips. Lots of crying is involved, along with serious importance and other heightened emotions. It could be considered of interest to some.

One of the judges is a dancewoman from Ohio named Mary Murphy. She is weird. She's weird.

Mary screams when she talks. It's quite high-pitched. And often long. It has become necessary to turn the volume down whenever it's Mary Murphy's turn to screech and howl gushingly about a particular routine, for fear of her piercing the tube on our TV.

Lauren informed me that Mary Murphy had been "molested or something" in the past.

I considered this.

"Maybe if she got molested again, she'd go back to normal."

During a commercial break we looked her up on the internet.

It turns out she wasn't molested. She was a victim of domestic abuse.

I thought about this.

"Yeah, I can see that."

My girlfriend and I continued eating dinner and enjoyed Splits & Flips in mutual harmony.