Betty White Pitch

Hey everyone,

Let's pray for an early death for Betty White so we don't have to see her senility exploited for cheap, ugly laughs by the douchey youth.

"I'm Betty White. Listen to me say 'fuck' and other popular dirty words. You will laugh for some reason. Then I will talk about sex in a forthright and crude manner. I'm old so context makes it funny to you young people."

Quit tarnishing the last living Golden Girl, please.

She is a human being.

New Business In Chicago

Today I immediately opened a brand new business in Chicago's Lincoln Square neighborhood:

The Lil' Handgun Boutique

It's going to make a killing!!

Book Learnin'

Don't call them dummies!

Coal Miner's Daughter

Movie Renter: Hey Hollywood Producer Scum! Coal Miner's Daughter. That's how you do a biopic.

Hollywood Producer Scum (sipping Bling H2o with ginseng caffeinated crystal Red Bull phosphates): That's a good idea. We'll remake Coal Miner's Daughter!

American Defensive Driving School

I hear the instructors here are a little insecure.

GRT EATS

At 1am I was in line at the drive thru of a White Castle.

The car in front of me had a personalized license plate:

GRT EATS

I wonder if it was the Zagat's.

Connecticut

I heard on the news today that the nation's unemployment force is equivalent to the population of Connecticut.

Boy, I'm glad I don't live in Connecticut.

Ship To Poland & Europe!

Now I know who can take care of all those Romanian whore corpses clogging up my crawlspace.

The Athlete's Foot

Today I went to The Athlete's Foot and bought some great sneakers.

Then I noticed a gift basket of fine meats at Cheese Washer's Lung.

But instead I got a nice jewelry gift for my girlfriend at Genital Sores.

Next, we met at Botulism, where she ordered a baked potato and I ordered something canned on the premises.

We worked off that great dinner at Pusy, where we danced until our feet were sore!

Later on, we popped in at Nauseo's for a late night slice of pizza pie.

Homegrown Terrorists

Are homegrown terrorists like organic terrorists?

I've been trying to be organic lately.

It's supposed to be better for you.

Maybe the homegrown organic terrorists just really want you to live a healthier life.

I can support that.

Support our homegrown terrorists!

Pizza Hut?

MAN

I wonder what that used to be.

WOMAN

A Pizza Hut?

MAN

No. There's no "R" or "B" in "Pizza Hut."

10 Minutes In Waukegan

He was pushing 60.

He had a beer gut.

The last strands of his hair clutched whitely to his weathered scalp.

He was standing on the side of a road in Waukegan wearing a Statue of Liberty outfit.

Next door a car insurance company works out of a trailer.

I waited inside to pick up some documents.

A man was trying to get insurance before his court date that day.

He said "my Cadillac" three times.

She said "last minute" twice.

A mailman pulled up to the old man in the Statue of Liberty outfit and handed him mail.

I went to a gas station to grab a cup of coffee.

Feeling fancy and using terrible judgment, I opted for a pumpkin cappuccino from a self serve machine.

It tasted like Turtle Wax with a hint of print shop.

I left Waukegan.

Future Stars Of Football

Recently, football has produced some colorfully named players.

Take a listen!

Pacman Jones

Chad Ochocinco

Cadillac Williams

So I decided to visit a nearby football camp to see who would be gracing the Pro Bowls of tomorrow.

Take a look at this handsome roster!

Email Jordan

Carphone Scherenberger

Brad Cinco De Mayo

Missile Command Grubbs

Star Sixty Nine Clemons

Q*bert Enriquez

Bail Bonds

Yar's Revenge Oglesby

Football "Concussion" Jones

I can't wait for football in The Year 2020!

Trixie News

Hey.

Just because you think you're hot doesn't mean the world must wait while you stand in the middle of the street drinking Starbucks, you female asshole.

Female condom.

Car Crucifix

Your asshole driving is shaking the shit out of your car crucifix.

That tiny Jesus is going to puke all over your pantsuit.