September 6, 2011
June 2, 2011
Adult Audio Book Series
Several years ago I spotted this LP at a record store.
It looked positively groovy.
And dangerous with all those warnings.
Law Forbids This Record Being Sold To Minors.
For Adult Listening Only.
NOTICE
THIS RECORD, FOR ADULTS ONLY, IS A FRANK DISCUSSION AND REVIEW ABOUT SEX. ITS PURPOSE IS TO INFORM AND EDUCATE INTERESTED ADULTS IN THE PRIVACY OF THEIR OWN HOME AND TO FULFILL THEIR OWN PRIVATE INTERESTS. IF YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED IN SUCH MATERIAL PLEASE DO NOT PURCHASE THIS RECORD.
Whoa.
Even the labels on the record contained a piece of caution.
For Personal And Party Use Only
I had to get it.
It was only $2.99.
Less than a hot dog.
I got home and put it on.
Side 1, "Three's A Crowd", opened with a clinical disclaimer.
The case histories that are presented on these audio books and the language in which they are presented are true to life. Some people may find them shocking, or amusing, or even titillating...
The voice sounded very familiar.
Maybe from an old filmstrip about smelting iron ore.
...This is not their purpose. They are intended as aids to the better understanding of human behavior, and are designed to benefit the serious student and the laymen alike...
"Three's A Crowd" tells the tale of Bill and Alice, who graduate from vehicular fellatio, to stag film inspired foreplay, to a full on threesome with their lesbian pal Tanya.
The clumsy dialogue is made clumsier by the actors, who bobble mouthfuls of smut like Donna Reed rejects.
Alice's naive, suburban lilt actually does add a hint of erotic charm to words like "cock" and "eat me".
That disclaimer was right.
It could be considered titillating.
Too bad Bill sounds like a gross, sex offending wood shop teacher.
Otherwise, this record might actually "work".
Sample dialogue from the stag film scene:
BILL (turning on film projector): Look!
ALICE: Good heavens! You know I've never really seen a stag movie.
BILL: Hey, come on over here and lie down beside me. Let's watch from the bed.
ALICE: Dinner's going to be ruined if I don't go back to the kitchen.
BILL: So, we'll eat out. C'mere.
ALICE: Oh Bill, you're impossible. (Pause) What do they call that?
BILL: Sodomy!
ALICE: Ouch, it looks painful.
BILL: From the expression on that girl's face, she doesn't seem to mind much. Mmmm. This is turning me on. Hey, let's get out of our clothes.
(Stepping around aimlessly noises)
ALICE: Look, there's another person coming into the seen.
BILL: Wow! That's exciting!
ALICE: Oh Bill, I'm afraid that movie's giving me ideas. Lay back. Let me work on that thing of yours.
BILL: Oh baby baby, that's nice. Oh, this is the greatest yet! I never thought I could get so excited watching a stag movie and getting sucked off like that. Oh wow, this is the absolute end!
Hey Alice, turn around. No, no, no, no. No, not that way. This way. That's it.
Now I can eat you and watch the movie at the same time!
Ooh, man, this is too much!
I don't think your dinner's going to be ruined 'cuz I'm going to pop my nuts in about another second.
Oh, Alice! Oh damn but your mouth is hot! Take me all the way, that's it! Oh, wet that thing all the way down!
Oh, Alice!
Alice, give me your snatch!
Bill eventually cums.
And the record keeps going.
Later, Tanya comes over and they all engage in some goofy sounding sex.
TANYA: This is the only way to make the scene!
BILL: Okay Tanya, it's about time I screwed my wife while she satisfied you. We haven't tried that arrangement yet.
TANYA: Your wish is my command. C'mere, Alice. I have something nice for you.
ALICE: Oh, I do enjoy a good dessert!
Occasionally you can hear the actors turn the pages on their scripts.
Bill's creepy delivery occasionally borders on despondent, with downward inflections where upward ones ought to be.
But he almost gets into it for certain lines.
BILL: Oh Alice, I wish we had a dozen mirrors all around us so we could see each other from every angle.
At one point you can hear Bill bump into the microphone.
I hope it was just his elbow.
"Three's A Crowd" clocks in at 19:38.
The flipside, "Suburban Circus" is just as long.
It's about an orgy.
And it features the same actors.
Alice is now Thelma, and she lives in the valley.
Bill is now George, the guy with the "biggest rod in the room".
Tanya is now Linda, "a real sexpot".
She's also Wendy, whose voice has been comically pitch-shifted higher to make her sound like a "pixie type".
A munchkin at a key party.
Thighs get wet, relations are had, and everybody cums and cums again.
Like in the AC/DC song.
Since the record said I could only play it for personal or party use, I played it whenever my roommate and I entertained.
Usually after dinner, and during the third bottle of wine.
Our guests would laugh.
Or freeze.
And they always asked.
"What is this!?"
Yeah.
What is this?
The back of the album was completely blank.
There were no credits.
No copyright.
No date.
Etched into the dead wax was the matrix number PR-7103.
I tried putting that into a database.
Two matches.
A late 50's Sonny Red album on the Prestige label.
And a 1981 jazz record by Martial Solal.
Martial Solal the French pianist.
I don't know, but I don't think that was Martial Solal as Bill.
Was it Sonny Red?
The only other things I found online about this record were an old tripod page titled Demented Records, and a page that listed it with other Uncredited Stag/Sex-Ed LP's.
They gave it a 7.
So that's what it is.
An uncredited stag LP.
Probably recorded in the early 70's in Southern California.
And that's all we'll ever know.
So I continued to play it for house guests, and shared soundbites between songs at my band's live shows.
Still, I wanted to reap more out of this peculiar, mysterious platter.
Years later, my friend Chris approached me about writing a piece for his reading series.
The topic was anti-erotica.
I knew I had to incorporate this album into my piece.
So here it is.
1976.
Enjoy.
What follows and the language in which it is presented is true to life. Some people may find it shocking, or amusing, or even titillating.
This is not its purpose.
It is intended as an aid to the better understanding of human behavior, and is designed to benefit the serious student and the laymen alike.
It looked positively groovy.
And dangerous with all those warnings.
Law Forbids This Record Being Sold To Minors.
For Adult Listening Only.
NOTICE
THIS RECORD, FOR ADULTS ONLY, IS A FRANK DISCUSSION AND REVIEW ABOUT SEX. ITS PURPOSE IS TO INFORM AND EDUCATE INTERESTED ADULTS IN THE PRIVACY OF THEIR OWN HOME AND TO FULFILL THEIR OWN PRIVATE INTERESTS. IF YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED IN SUCH MATERIAL PLEASE DO NOT PURCHASE THIS RECORD.
Whoa.
Even the labels on the record contained a piece of caution.
For Personal And Party Use Only
I had to get it.
It was only $2.99.
Less than a hot dog.
I got home and put it on.
Side 1, "Three's A Crowd", opened with a clinical disclaimer.
The case histories that are presented on these audio books and the language in which they are presented are true to life. Some people may find them shocking, or amusing, or even titillating...
The voice sounded very familiar.
Maybe from an old filmstrip about smelting iron ore.
...This is not their purpose. They are intended as aids to the better understanding of human behavior, and are designed to benefit the serious student and the laymen alike...
"Three's A Crowd" tells the tale of Bill and Alice, who graduate from vehicular fellatio, to stag film inspired foreplay, to a full on threesome with their lesbian pal Tanya.
The clumsy dialogue is made clumsier by the actors, who bobble mouthfuls of smut like Donna Reed rejects.
Alice's naive, suburban lilt actually does add a hint of erotic charm to words like "cock" and "eat me".
That disclaimer was right.
It could be considered titillating.
Too bad Bill sounds like a gross, sex offending wood shop teacher.
Otherwise, this record might actually "work".
Sample dialogue from the stag film scene:
BILL (turning on film projector): Look!
ALICE: Good heavens! You know I've never really seen a stag movie.
BILL: Hey, come on over here and lie down beside me. Let's watch from the bed.
ALICE: Dinner's going to be ruined if I don't go back to the kitchen.
BILL: So, we'll eat out. C'mere.
ALICE: Oh Bill, you're impossible. (Pause) What do they call that?
BILL: Sodomy!
ALICE: Ouch, it looks painful.
BILL: From the expression on that girl's face, she doesn't seem to mind much. Mmmm. This is turning me on. Hey, let's get out of our clothes.
(Stepping around aimlessly noises)
ALICE: Look, there's another person coming into the seen.
BILL: Wow! That's exciting!
ALICE: Oh Bill, I'm afraid that movie's giving me ideas. Lay back. Let me work on that thing of yours.
BILL: Oh baby baby, that's nice. Oh, this is the greatest yet! I never thought I could get so excited watching a stag movie and getting sucked off like that. Oh wow, this is the absolute end!
Hey Alice, turn around. No, no, no, no. No, not that way. This way. That's it.
Now I can eat you and watch the movie at the same time!
Ooh, man, this is too much!
I don't think your dinner's going to be ruined 'cuz I'm going to pop my nuts in about another second.
Oh, Alice! Oh damn but your mouth is hot! Take me all the way, that's it! Oh, wet that thing all the way down!
Oh, Alice!
Alice, give me your snatch!
Bill eventually cums.
And the record keeps going.
Later, Tanya comes over and they all engage in some goofy sounding sex.
TANYA: This is the only way to make the scene!
BILL: Okay Tanya, it's about time I screwed my wife while she satisfied you. We haven't tried that arrangement yet.
TANYA: Your wish is my command. C'mere, Alice. I have something nice for you.
ALICE: Oh, I do enjoy a good dessert!
Occasionally you can hear the actors turn the pages on their scripts.
Bill's creepy delivery occasionally borders on despondent, with downward inflections where upward ones ought to be.
BILL: Oh, I do like to look at your pussy.
(Page turning)
Mmm.
(More page turning)
Oh, you'll never know how nice it is to feel the heat of your hole sliding up and down my pole and watching you, Tanya. Ugh. It's the most exciting thing I've ever done.
BILL: Oh Alice, I wish we had a dozen mirrors all around us so we could see each other from every angle.
At one point you can hear Bill bump into the microphone.
I hope it was just his elbow.
 |
| Everything sounds better in mono |
The flipside, "Suburban Circus" is just as long.
It's about an orgy.
And it features the same actors.
Alice is now Thelma, and she lives in the valley.
Bill is now George, the guy with the "biggest rod in the room".
Tanya is now Linda, "a real sexpot".
She's also Wendy, whose voice has been comically pitch-shifted higher to make her sound like a "pixie type".
A munchkin at a key party.
Thighs get wet, relations are had, and everybody cums and cums again.
Like in the AC/DC song.
Since the record said I could only play it for personal or party use, I played it whenever my roommate and I entertained.
Usually after dinner, and during the third bottle of wine.
Our guests would laugh.
Or freeze.
And they always asked.
"What is this!?"
Yeah.
What is this?
Who made it?
When was it made?The back of the album was completely blank.
There were no credits.
No copyright.
No date.
Etched into the dead wax was the matrix number PR-7103.
I tried putting that into a database.
Two matches.
A late 50's Sonny Red album on the Prestige label.
And a 1981 jazz record by Martial Solal.
Martial Solal the French pianist.
I don't know, but I don't think that was Martial Solal as Bill.
Was it Sonny Red?
The only other things I found online about this record were an old tripod page titled Demented Records, and a page that listed it with other Uncredited Stag/Sex-Ed LP's.
They gave it a 7.
So that's what it is.
An uncredited stag LP.
Probably recorded in the early 70's in Southern California.
And that's all we'll ever know.
So I continued to play it for house guests, and shared soundbites between songs at my band's live shows.
Still, I wanted to reap more out of this peculiar, mysterious platter.
Years later, my friend Chris approached me about writing a piece for his reading series.
The topic was anti-erotica.
I knew I had to incorporate this album into my piece.
So here it is.
1976.
Enjoy.
What follows and the language in which it is presented is true to life. Some people may find it shocking, or amusing, or even titillating.
This is not its purpose.
It is intended as an aid to the better understanding of human behavior, and is designed to benefit the serious student and the laymen alike.
September 29, 2010
Betty White Pitch
Hey everyone,
Let's pray for an early death for Betty White so we don't have to see her senility exploited for cheap, ugly laughs by the douchey youth.
"I'm Betty White. Listen to me say 'fuck' and other popular dirty words. You will laugh for some reason. Then I will talk about sex in a forthright and crude manner. I'm old so context makes it funny to you young people."
Quit tarnishing the last living Golden Girl, please.
She is a human being.
June 28, 2010
New Business In Chicago
Today I immediately opened a brand new business in Chicago's Lincoln Square neighborhood:
The Lil' Handgun Boutique
It's going to make a killing!!
June 23, 2010
April 23, 2010
Coal Miner's Daughter
Movie Renter: Hey Hollywood Producer Scum! Coal Miner's Daughter. That's how you do a biopic.
Hollywood Producer Scum (sipping Bling H2o with ginseng caffeinated crystal Red Bull phosphates): That's a good idea. We'll remake Coal Miner's Daughter!
April 21, 2010
April 20, 2010
GRT EATS
At 1am I was in line at the drive thru of a White Castle.
The car in front of me had a personalized license plate:
GRT EATS
I wonder if it was the Zagat's.
April 6, 2010
Connecticut
I heard on the news today that the nation's unemployment force is equivalent to the population of Connecticut.
Boy, I'm glad I don't live in Connecticut.
March 25, 2010
Ship To Poland & Europe!
Now I know who can take care of all those Romanian whore corpses clogging up my crawlspace.
March 12, 2010
The Athlete's Foot
Today I went to The Athlete's Foot and bought some great sneakers.
Then I noticed a gift basket of fine meats at Cheese Washer's Lung.
But instead I got a nice jewelry gift for my girlfriend at Genital Sores.
Next, we met at Botulism, where she ordered a baked potato and I ordered something canned on the premises.
We worked off that great dinner at Pusy, where we danced until our feet were sore!
Later on, we popped in at Nauseo's for a late night slice of pizza pie.
March 10, 2010
Homegrown Terrorists
Are homegrown terrorists like organic terrorists?
I've been trying to be organic lately.
It's supposed to be better for you.
Maybe the homegrown organic terrorists just really want you to live a healthier life.
I can support that.
Support our homegrown terrorists!
February 6, 2010
Pizza Hut?
MAN
I wonder what that used to be.
WOMAN
A Pizza Hut?
MAN
No. There's no "R" or "B" in "Pizza Hut."
February 4, 2010
10 Minutes In Waukegan
He was pushing 60.
He had a beer gut.
The last strands of his hair clutched whitely to his weathered scalp.
He was standing on the side of a road in Waukegan wearing a Statue of Liberty outfit.
Next door a car insurance company works out of a trailer.
I waited inside to pick up some documents.
A man was trying to get insurance before his court date that day.
He said "my Cadillac" three times.
She said "last minute" twice.
A mailman pulled up to the old man in the Statue of Liberty outfit and handed him mail.
I went to a gas station to grab a cup of coffee.
Feeling fancy and using terrible judgment, I opted for a pumpkin cappuccino from a self serve machine.
It tasted like Turtle Wax with a hint of print shop.
I left Waukegan.
Future Stars Of Football
Recently, football has produced some colorfully named players.
Take a listen!
Pacman Jones
Chad Ochocinco
Cadillac Williams
So I decided to visit a nearby football camp to see who would be gracing the Pro Bowls of tomorrow.
Take a look at this handsome roster!
Email Jordan
Carphone Scherenberger
Brad Cinco De Mayo
Missile Command Grubbs
Star Sixty Nine Clemons
Q*bert Enriquez
Bail Bonds
Yar's Revenge Oglesby
Football "Concussion" Jones
I can't wait for football in The Year 2020!
Trixie News
Hey.
Female condom.
Car Crucifix
Your asshole driving is shaking the shit out of your car crucifix.
That tiny Jesus is going to puke all over your pantsuit.
December 26, 2009
Light My Fire
I realized in the van today that I prefer the radio edit "Light My Fire."
Hey Ray Manzarek.
We've all got things to do.
December 16, 2009
Sexting
Parents who are too embarrassed to use the word "sexting" when talking to their children about sexually suggestive texts should use the word "suggexting."
November 16, 2009
Teeth and Lasers 2007
Since 1984 I hadn't been to the dentist. It seems the last 23 years I've just been really busy with homework and girls. So I decided I should go back there and see what it's like.
The waiting area reminded me of Nuevo Laredo, Mexico.
Cracked, checkered tiles.
Plastic laundromat chairs.
Telenovelas screaming from the TV.
The only difference was that everyone had all of their legs.
My dentist was from Iran and spoke in a soothing but mumbling cadence, like drool-warm Persian decaf on the ears. I was told I needed a new filling and this sort of thing. We made a conversation while the local anesthetic considered my mouth.
"So what do you do?"
"I'm a dentist. What do you do?"
I told him I had been a courier for the last 6 years, but it sounded like "curator."
"Oh, for the museum?"
I had to correct him and that was a drag. He thought I was a distinguished museum curator, with a fanciful home full of groovy artifacts, and German key parties and a fax machine. In reality I'm a bike messenger with a messy apartment full of weird props, and scars from spills, and a Kinko's nearby. To compensate for this dip in status, I told him I also teach.
"What do you teach?"
"Comedy."
Really, I teach improv. But that might require an explanation so it's easier to say "comedy."
Or is it?
My dentist begins to tell me a joke involving Sofia Loren, Madonna and the Sahara Pipeline. It was hard to tell when the joke had finished but I managed a courtesy laugh, though I laughed hardest at the first mention of Sofia Loren.
"You have to be on top of current events to do comedy," my dentist informed me. "Did you hear about the massacre in Virginia?"
Yesterday a student at Virginia Tech opened fire and killed 32 people before killing himself. I told him I had heard about it and waited, unsure if he wanted me to make a joke about it. I thought I'd play it safe and bust out an old space shuttle Challenger one-liner but he continued.
"I was in the Iran revolution in 1979. Since they elected that asshole one of my students committed suicide."
Whoa. This was getting angry and sad. And we hadn't even begun drilling. I started to drift.
"Is my talking putting you to sleep? Don't fall asleep."
Drills, suction, probes, and lasers* obscured my dentist's words during the procedure. Which is too bad. I could have gotten some fresh material for the jokes that I say during the improv.
"Improvisation. You have to be ready for anything," my dentist informed me.
As per his request, I handed him cash for his work. But hadn't I seen his assistant wandering the premises?
"No, she's busy."
He came back with my change and asked if I would be performing soon. I mentioned that I had a ridiculous dancing audition for Hallmark in the afternoon.
"You have a lot of Jewish people in your business, right?"
I said I had a lot of Jewish friends, yes, and there are also a lot of Catholics in Chicago who do comedy.
"Are you Catholic?"
"No. I'm from Iran. Are you Catholic?"
I told him I had been raised that way but now I am "nothing." I should have said Agnostic or Atheist or something. That I was nothing seemed to upset him.
"You must have a relationship with your Creator. Whoever that may be." My dentist pointed skyward.
I made the case that I was in charge of my own destiny and pointed a big thumb at my chest.
Then I said, "Right?"
"We'll see you on the 23rd."
Yes, the 23rd year from now.
No, I'll be back. He has to chop up my enamel next week or something. Maybe by then I'll figure out who my Curator is. I mean Creator.
*Yeah, man. Lasers!!!
The waiting area reminded me of Nuevo Laredo, Mexico.
Cracked, checkered tiles.
Plastic laundromat chairs.
Telenovelas screaming from the TV.
The only difference was that everyone had all of their legs.
My dentist was from Iran and spoke in a soothing but mumbling cadence, like drool-warm Persian decaf on the ears. I was told I needed a new filling and this sort of thing. We made a conversation while the local anesthetic considered my mouth.
"So what do you do?"
"I'm a dentist. What do you do?"
I told him I had been a courier for the last 6 years, but it sounded like "curator."
"Oh, for the museum?"
I had to correct him and that was a drag. He thought I was a distinguished museum curator, with a fanciful home full of groovy artifacts, and German key parties and a fax machine. In reality I'm a bike messenger with a messy apartment full of weird props, and scars from spills, and a Kinko's nearby. To compensate for this dip in status, I told him I also teach.
"What do you teach?"
"Comedy."
Really, I teach improv. But that might require an explanation so it's easier to say "comedy."
Or is it?
My dentist begins to tell me a joke involving Sofia Loren, Madonna and the Sahara Pipeline. It was hard to tell when the joke had finished but I managed a courtesy laugh, though I laughed hardest at the first mention of Sofia Loren.
"You have to be on top of current events to do comedy," my dentist informed me. "Did you hear about the massacre in Virginia?"
Yesterday a student at Virginia Tech opened fire and killed 32 people before killing himself. I told him I had heard about it and waited, unsure if he wanted me to make a joke about it. I thought I'd play it safe and bust out an old space shuttle Challenger one-liner but he continued.
"I was in the Iran revolution in 1979. Since they elected that asshole one of my students committed suicide."
Whoa. This was getting angry and sad. And we hadn't even begun drilling. I started to drift.
"Is my talking putting you to sleep? Don't fall asleep."
Drills, suction, probes, and lasers* obscured my dentist's words during the procedure. Which is too bad. I could have gotten some fresh material for the jokes that I say during the improv.
"Improvisation. You have to be ready for anything," my dentist informed me.
As per his request, I handed him cash for his work. But hadn't I seen his assistant wandering the premises?
"No, she's busy."
He came back with my change and asked if I would be performing soon. I mentioned that I had a ridiculous dancing audition for Hallmark in the afternoon.
"You have a lot of Jewish people in your business, right?"
I said I had a lot of Jewish friends, yes, and there are also a lot of Catholics in Chicago who do comedy.
"Are you Catholic?"
"No. I'm from Iran. Are you Catholic?"
I told him I had been raised that way but now I am "nothing." I should have said Agnostic or Atheist or something. That I was nothing seemed to upset him.
"You must have a relationship with your Creator. Whoever that may be." My dentist pointed skyward.
I made the case that I was in charge of my own destiny and pointed a big thumb at my chest.
Then I said, "Right?"
"We'll see you on the 23rd."
Yes, the 23rd year from now.
No, I'll be back. He has to chop up my enamel next week or something. Maybe by then I'll figure out who my Curator is. I mean Creator.
*Yeah, man. Lasers!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
