September 6, 2011
June 2, 2011
Adult Audio Book Series
Several years ago I spotted this LP at a record store.
It looked positively groovy.
And dangerous with all those warnings.
Law Forbids This Record Being Sold To Minors.
For Adult Listening Only.
NOTICE
THIS RECORD, FOR ADULTS ONLY, IS A FRANK DISCUSSION AND REVIEW ABOUT SEX. ITS PURPOSE IS TO INFORM AND EDUCATE INTERESTED ADULTS IN THE PRIVACY OF THEIR OWN HOME AND TO FULFILL THEIR OWN PRIVATE INTERESTS. IF YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED IN SUCH MATERIAL PLEASE DO NOT PURCHASE THIS RECORD.
Whoa.
Even the labels on the record contained a piece of caution.
For Personal And Party Use Only
I had to get it.
It was only $2.99.
Less than a hot dog.
I got home and put it on.
Side 1, "Three's A Crowd", opened with a clinical disclaimer.
The case histories that are presented on these audio books and the language in which they are presented are true to life. Some people may find them shocking, or amusing, or even titillating...
The voice sounded very familiar.
Maybe from an old filmstrip about smelting iron ore.
...This is not their purpose. They are intended as aids to the better understanding of human behavior, and are designed to benefit the serious student and the laymen alike...
"Three's A Crowd" tells the tale of Bill and Alice, who graduate from vehicular fellatio, to stag film inspired foreplay, to a full on threesome with their lesbian pal Tanya.
The clumsy dialogue is made clumsier by the actors, who bobble mouthfuls of smut like Donna Reed rejects.
Alice's naive, suburban lilt actually does add a hint of erotic charm to words like "cock" and "eat me".
That disclaimer was right.
It could be considered titillating.
Too bad Bill sounds like a gross, sex offending wood shop teacher.
Otherwise, this record might actually "work".
Sample dialogue from the stag film scene:
BILL (turning on film projector): Look!
ALICE: Good heavens! You know I've never really seen a stag movie.
BILL: Hey, come on over here and lie down beside me. Let's watch from the bed.
ALICE: Dinner's going to be ruined if I don't go back to the kitchen.
BILL: So, we'll eat out. C'mere.
ALICE: Oh Bill, you're impossible. (Pause) What do they call that?
BILL: Sodomy!
ALICE: Ouch, it looks painful.
BILL: From the expression on that girl's face, she doesn't seem to mind much. Mmmm. This is turning me on. Hey, let's get out of our clothes.
(Stepping around aimlessly noises)
ALICE: Look, there's another person coming into the seen.
BILL: Wow! That's exciting!
ALICE: Oh Bill, I'm afraid that movie's giving me ideas. Lay back. Let me work on that thing of yours.
BILL: Oh baby baby, that's nice. Oh, this is the greatest yet! I never thought I could get so excited watching a stag movie and getting sucked off like that. Oh wow, this is the absolute end!
Hey Alice, turn around. No, no, no, no. No, not that way. This way. That's it.
Now I can eat you and watch the movie at the same time!
Ooh, man, this is too much!
I don't think your dinner's going to be ruined 'cuz I'm going to pop my nuts in about another second.
Oh, Alice! Oh damn but your mouth is hot! Take me all the way, that's it! Oh, wet that thing all the way down!
Oh, Alice!
Alice, give me your snatch!
Bill eventually cums.
And the record keeps going.
Later, Tanya comes over and they all engage in some goofy sounding sex.
TANYA: This is the only way to make the scene!
BILL: Okay Tanya, it's about time I screwed my wife while she satisfied you. We haven't tried that arrangement yet.
TANYA: Your wish is my command. C'mere, Alice. I have something nice for you.
ALICE: Oh, I do enjoy a good dessert!
Occasionally you can hear the actors turn the pages on their scripts.
Bill's creepy delivery occasionally borders on despondent, with downward inflections where upward ones ought to be.
But he almost gets into it for certain lines.
BILL: Oh Alice, I wish we had a dozen mirrors all around us so we could see each other from every angle.
At one point you can hear Bill bump into the microphone.
I hope it was just his elbow.
"Three's A Crowd" clocks in at 19:38.
The flipside, "Suburban Circus" is just as long.
It's about an orgy.
And it features the same actors.
Alice is now Thelma, and she lives in the valley.
Bill is now George, the guy with the "biggest rod in the room".
Tanya is now Linda, "a real sexpot".
She's also Wendy, whose voice has been comically pitch-shifted higher to make her sound like a "pixie type".
A munchkin at a key party.
Thighs get wet, relations are had, and everybody cums and cums again.
Like in the AC/DC song.
Since the record said I could only play it for personal or party use, I played it whenever my roommate and I entertained.
Usually after dinner, and during the third bottle of wine.
Our guests would laugh.
Or freeze.
And they always asked.
"What is this!?"
Yeah.
What is this?
The back of the album was completely blank.
There were no credits.
No copyright.
No date.
Etched into the dead wax was the matrix number PR-7103.
I tried putting that into a database.
Two matches.
A late 50's Sonny Red album on the Prestige label.
And a 1981 jazz record by Martial Solal.
Martial Solal the French pianist.
I don't know, but I don't think that was Martial Solal as Bill.
Was it Sonny Red?
The only other things I found online about this record were an old tripod page titled Demented Records, and a page that listed it with other Uncredited Stag/Sex-Ed LP's.
They gave it a 7.
So that's what it is.
An uncredited stag LP.
Probably recorded in the early 70's in Southern California.
And that's all we'll ever know.
So I continued to play it for house guests, and shared soundbites between songs at my band's live shows.
Still, I wanted to reap more out of this peculiar, mysterious platter.
Years later, my friend Chris approached me about writing a piece for his reading series.
The topic was anti-erotica.
I knew I had to incorporate this album into my piece.
So here it is.
1976.
Enjoy.
What follows and the language in which it is presented is true to life. Some people may find it shocking, or amusing, or even titillating.
This is not its purpose.
It is intended as an aid to the better understanding of human behavior, and is designed to benefit the serious student and the laymen alike.
It looked positively groovy.
And dangerous with all those warnings.
Law Forbids This Record Being Sold To Minors.
For Adult Listening Only.
NOTICE
THIS RECORD, FOR ADULTS ONLY, IS A FRANK DISCUSSION AND REVIEW ABOUT SEX. ITS PURPOSE IS TO INFORM AND EDUCATE INTERESTED ADULTS IN THE PRIVACY OF THEIR OWN HOME AND TO FULFILL THEIR OWN PRIVATE INTERESTS. IF YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED IN SUCH MATERIAL PLEASE DO NOT PURCHASE THIS RECORD.
Whoa.
Even the labels on the record contained a piece of caution.
For Personal And Party Use Only
I had to get it.
It was only $2.99.
Less than a hot dog.
I got home and put it on.
Side 1, "Three's A Crowd", opened with a clinical disclaimer.
The case histories that are presented on these audio books and the language in which they are presented are true to life. Some people may find them shocking, or amusing, or even titillating...
The voice sounded very familiar.
Maybe from an old filmstrip about smelting iron ore.
...This is not their purpose. They are intended as aids to the better understanding of human behavior, and are designed to benefit the serious student and the laymen alike...
"Three's A Crowd" tells the tale of Bill and Alice, who graduate from vehicular fellatio, to stag film inspired foreplay, to a full on threesome with their lesbian pal Tanya.
The clumsy dialogue is made clumsier by the actors, who bobble mouthfuls of smut like Donna Reed rejects.
Alice's naive, suburban lilt actually does add a hint of erotic charm to words like "cock" and "eat me".
That disclaimer was right.
It could be considered titillating.
Too bad Bill sounds like a gross, sex offending wood shop teacher.
Otherwise, this record might actually "work".
Sample dialogue from the stag film scene:
BILL (turning on film projector): Look!
ALICE: Good heavens! You know I've never really seen a stag movie.
BILL: Hey, come on over here and lie down beside me. Let's watch from the bed.
ALICE: Dinner's going to be ruined if I don't go back to the kitchen.
BILL: So, we'll eat out. C'mere.
ALICE: Oh Bill, you're impossible. (Pause) What do they call that?
BILL: Sodomy!
ALICE: Ouch, it looks painful.
BILL: From the expression on that girl's face, she doesn't seem to mind much. Mmmm. This is turning me on. Hey, let's get out of our clothes.
(Stepping around aimlessly noises)
ALICE: Look, there's another person coming into the seen.
BILL: Wow! That's exciting!
ALICE: Oh Bill, I'm afraid that movie's giving me ideas. Lay back. Let me work on that thing of yours.
BILL: Oh baby baby, that's nice. Oh, this is the greatest yet! I never thought I could get so excited watching a stag movie and getting sucked off like that. Oh wow, this is the absolute end!
Hey Alice, turn around. No, no, no, no. No, not that way. This way. That's it.
Now I can eat you and watch the movie at the same time!
Ooh, man, this is too much!
I don't think your dinner's going to be ruined 'cuz I'm going to pop my nuts in about another second.
Oh, Alice! Oh damn but your mouth is hot! Take me all the way, that's it! Oh, wet that thing all the way down!
Oh, Alice!
Alice, give me your snatch!
Bill eventually cums.
And the record keeps going.
Later, Tanya comes over and they all engage in some goofy sounding sex.
TANYA: This is the only way to make the scene!
BILL: Okay Tanya, it's about time I screwed my wife while she satisfied you. We haven't tried that arrangement yet.
TANYA: Your wish is my command. C'mere, Alice. I have something nice for you.
ALICE: Oh, I do enjoy a good dessert!
Occasionally you can hear the actors turn the pages on their scripts.
Bill's creepy delivery occasionally borders on despondent, with downward inflections where upward ones ought to be.
BILL: Oh, I do like to look at your pussy.
(Page turning)
Mmm.
(More page turning)
Oh, you'll never know how nice it is to feel the heat of your hole sliding up and down my pole and watching you, Tanya. Ugh. It's the most exciting thing I've ever done.
BILL: Oh Alice, I wish we had a dozen mirrors all around us so we could see each other from every angle.
At one point you can hear Bill bump into the microphone.
I hope it was just his elbow.
 |
| Everything sounds better in mono |
The flipside, "Suburban Circus" is just as long.
It's about an orgy.
And it features the same actors.
Alice is now Thelma, and she lives in the valley.
Bill is now George, the guy with the "biggest rod in the room".
Tanya is now Linda, "a real sexpot".
She's also Wendy, whose voice has been comically pitch-shifted higher to make her sound like a "pixie type".
A munchkin at a key party.
Thighs get wet, relations are had, and everybody cums and cums again.
Like in the AC/DC song.
Since the record said I could only play it for personal or party use, I played it whenever my roommate and I entertained.
Usually after dinner, and during the third bottle of wine.
Our guests would laugh.
Or freeze.
And they always asked.
"What is this!?"
Yeah.
What is this?
Who made it?
When was it made?The back of the album was completely blank.
There were no credits.
No copyright.
No date.
Etched into the dead wax was the matrix number PR-7103.
I tried putting that into a database.
Two matches.
A late 50's Sonny Red album on the Prestige label.
And a 1981 jazz record by Martial Solal.
Martial Solal the French pianist.
I don't know, but I don't think that was Martial Solal as Bill.
Was it Sonny Red?
The only other things I found online about this record were an old tripod page titled Demented Records, and a page that listed it with other Uncredited Stag/Sex-Ed LP's.
They gave it a 7.
So that's what it is.
An uncredited stag LP.
Probably recorded in the early 70's in Southern California.
And that's all we'll ever know.
So I continued to play it for house guests, and shared soundbites between songs at my band's live shows.
Still, I wanted to reap more out of this peculiar, mysterious platter.
Years later, my friend Chris approached me about writing a piece for his reading series.
The topic was anti-erotica.
I knew I had to incorporate this album into my piece.
So here it is.
1976.
Enjoy.
What follows and the language in which it is presented is true to life. Some people may find it shocking, or amusing, or even titillating.
This is not its purpose.
It is intended as an aid to the better understanding of human behavior, and is designed to benefit the serious student and the laymen alike.
September 29, 2010
Betty White Pitch
Hey everyone,
Let's pray for an early death for Betty White so we don't have to see her senility exploited for cheap, ugly laughs by the douchey youth.
"I'm Betty White. Listen to me say 'fuck' and other popular dirty words. You will laugh for some reason. Then I will talk about sex in a forthright and crude manner. I'm old so context makes it funny to you young people."
Quit tarnishing the last living Golden Girl, please.
She is a human being.
June 28, 2010
New Business In Chicago
Today I immediately opened a brand new business in Chicago's Lincoln Square neighborhood:
The Lil' Handgun Boutique
It's going to make a killing!!
June 23, 2010
April 23, 2010
Coal Miner's Daughter
Movie Renter: Hey Hollywood Producer Scum! Coal Miner's Daughter. That's how you do a biopic.
Hollywood Producer Scum (sipping Bling H2o with ginseng caffeinated crystal Red Bull phosphates): That's a good idea. We'll remake Coal Miner's Daughter!
April 21, 2010
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